Hang on to your hats, readers! It's time for the third and, mercifully, final instalment from my childhood diary.
Thursday 29th May
Played my first game of pool with Lee. Also played table tennis and bar football. Met several more friends.
Friday 30th May
Went into Sliema to stock up on shopping. Roamed the games room and met more friends.
Saturday 31st May
Met more friends in games room. Dad ordered a car for Monday and Tuesday
Sunday 1st June
Caught a nice tan sunbathing by swimming pool. resist the temptation of jumping in pool once or twice
Monday 2nd June
did touring around country in car. got back at about 3 in the afternoon
Tuesday 3rd June
finished tour round country. after continued playing pool in games room
Wednesday 4th June
Walked puff! all the way into puff! Sliema puff! Us and Lee went along to rocky sand beach for afternoon
Thursday 5th June
went home and got home at approxamently six pm
Friday 6th June
went back to school. Boo!
Thursday 12th June
had sportsday. got through to flat race final came 3rd out of 9 runners
Friday 13th June
nothing happened for a lot of days
Wednesday 2nd July
went after school swimming with andrew at runnymede
Saturday 5th July
comic day. did same as I did on wednesday except did it with adrian
Saturday 12th July
went to Adrians barberque. comic day
Monday 14th July
had day off school. unfortunatly it rained all day! HUH!
Friday 18th July
went swimming at school. went to school disco only for 3rd and 4th year kids
Saturday 19th July
comic day. From 11pm till 12.45am watched Clint Eastwood film hang em high
Sunday 20th July
caught up with my diary. had beautiful chicken for dinner
Saturday 26th July
Comic day. Had to look after laddie for 2 weeks
Monday 4th August
fell over my bikes handlebars
Sunday 10th August
Mum and dad took me and ad to canvey
Saturday 16th August
COMIC DAY. FOOTBALL SEOSON STARTS. BURY 1 SOUTHEND 2
Monday 18th August
SOUTHEND 5 PORT VALE 1
Tuesday 19th August
mum and nan had market stall and found Richard and played with him
Friday 22nd August
SAW SOUTHEND 2 TRANMERE 0. I saw it
Saturday 23rd August
comic day
Monday 25th August
Went to SOUTHEND SEAFRONT
Tuesday 26th August
Went to Richards while mum was in wickford
Wednesday 3rd September
mum and nan went to sell antiques so I stayed at richards
Thursday 4th September
went back to SCHOOL. YUCH!
Saturday 13th September
Hereford 0 Southend 0. went swimming. comic day
Wednesday 17th September
got chosen to be a PREFECT
Tuesday 23rd September
went football. scored 1 goal
Wednesday 24th September
went swimming
Thursday 25th September
not at school cause I caught a cold at swimming
Monday 29th September
Back to school
Tuesday 30th September
football but had to play left half
Friday 3rd October
football at school. saw Southend play. Score SOUTHEND 2 MANSFIELD 0
Saturday 4th October
COMIC DAY
Friday 24th October
broke up for half term from school
Tuesday 28th October
WENT WITH MUM AND NAN TO MARKET STALL, BUT WENT TO RICHARDS AT 9.45am
Thursday 30th October
WENT SHOPPING BUT WENT DOWN RICHARDS AGAIN
Friday 31st October
WROTE OUT A FOOTBALL QUIZ OF MY OWN
wednesday 5th November
WENT TO FIREWORKS UP NANS
Thursday 6th November
Beat LEE CO. AT CHESS
Friday 7th November
BEAT TIM AT CHESS. BEAT DAD AT CHESS
Monday 10th November
45 DAYS TO XMAS
Tuesday 11th November
44 DAYS TO XMAS
Wednesday 12th November
43 DAYS TO XMAS. BEAT ROB AT CHESS
Thursday 13th November
BEAT LEE CO. TWICE AT CHESS
Unfortunately/thankfully the entries dry up here as I was obviously far too busy beating allcomers at chess, counting down the days to Christmas and starting my own CAPS LOCK FARM to bother keeping up with the diary.
And that was that for me, diary wise, until I kept this Diaryland journal for a while four or five years ago. (Although that one was more just a case of me arsing about and acting the goat than anything else. I know, I know, hard to imagine now!)
The Wannadies - Kid mp3
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Friday, 29 May 2009
Notes From A Small Islander
Hello all. How's tricks? Rather alarmingly, and after several attempts at starting this entry, I appear to have lost the art of composing a semi-coherent blog post in the week or so since I last wrote here. So, while I try and remember how the hell you're supposed to string a sentence together, please sit back and enjoy/endure another gripping extract from my childhood diary. Hurrah!

Tuesday 19th February
Up the park there was a bouncy castle. Arsenal 3 Bolton 0
Wednesday 20th February
A. Villa 1 Blackburn 0. I saw it on telly
Friday 22nd February
Colchester 2 Southend 1
Wednesday 27th February
Emlyn Hughes This Is Your Life.
Sunday 16th March
Went to the Ideal Home Exhibition
Sunday 30th March
Went up park for game of footer. I got it!
Tuesday 1st April
Did lots of April fools on people. Liverpool 1 Stoke 0
Wednesday 2nd April
Broke up from school for Easter holiday.
Friday 9th/Saturday 10th/Sunday 11th May
Didn't feel well
Monday 12th May
didn't feel well. Last in the series of Not The Nine O'Clock News
Tuesday 13th May
Moved into new house. Felt better
Thursday 15th May
Went to Ians disco
Thursday 22nd May
Went to Malta for two weeks. Had to get up at half two in the morning. Got at Gatwick at half 5, flight took 3 hours 20 minutes. Got at Malta airport at half 11. Got at hotal Galaxy at about ten past twelve. Later on went to swimming pool for a swim.
Friday 23rd May
At the hotel there were a lot of blocks a and b for Pontins people. We went in a block. The swimming pool was on G block 1st floor (one of globals block)
Saturday 24th May
In reception area there's pub called the cats whiskers and games room where you can play bar football table tennis or pool.
Sunday 25th May
Went swimming in pool. went for walk along seafront. had ice cream. enjoyed walking on rocks. after that went back and played bar football.
Monday 26th May
went into Sliema shopping centre for a morning and went there and back on a boneshaker bus
Tuesday 27th May
went on the roof of our block and sunbathed. not for long though!
Wednesday 28th May
Saw european cup final. Saw it in the room with an Italian man commentating. Met Lee from Liverpool.
Well that's more than enough holiday excitement for one entry I think. Find out what happened next, next!
The Byrds - My Back Pages mp3
Tuesday 19th February
Up the park there was a bouncy castle. Arsenal 3 Bolton 0
Wednesday 20th February
A. Villa 1 Blackburn 0. I saw it on telly
Friday 22nd February
Colchester 2 Southend 1
Wednesday 27th February
Emlyn Hughes This Is Your Life.
Sunday 16th March
Went to the Ideal Home Exhibition
Sunday 30th March
Went up park for game of footer. I got it!
Tuesday 1st April
Did lots of April fools on people. Liverpool 1 Stoke 0
Wednesday 2nd April
Broke up from school for Easter holiday.
Friday 9th/Saturday 10th/Sunday 11th May
Didn't feel well
Monday 12th May
didn't feel well. Last in the series of Not The Nine O'Clock News
Tuesday 13th May
Moved into new house. Felt better
Thursday 15th May
Went to Ians disco
Thursday 22nd May
Went to Malta for two weeks. Had to get up at half two in the morning. Got at Gatwick at half 5, flight took 3 hours 20 minutes. Got at Malta airport at half 11. Got at hotal Galaxy at about ten past twelve. Later on went to swimming pool for a swim.
Friday 23rd May
At the hotel there were a lot of blocks a and b for Pontins people. We went in a block. The swimming pool was on G block 1st floor (one of globals block)
Saturday 24th May
In reception area there's pub called the cats whiskers and games room where you can play bar football table tennis or pool.
Sunday 25th May
Went swimming in pool. went for walk along seafront. had ice cream. enjoyed walking on rocks. after that went back and played bar football.
Monday 26th May
went into Sliema shopping centre for a morning and went there and back on a boneshaker bus
Tuesday 27th May
went on the roof of our block and sunbathed. not for long though!
Wednesday 28th May
Saw european cup final. Saw it in the room with an Italian man commentating. Met Lee from Liverpool.
Well that's more than enough holiday excitement for one entry I think. Find out what happened next, next!
The Byrds - My Back Pages mp3
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Back soon...

Look after yourselves. There's some meals in the fridge, some emergency money in the drawer by the cooker and your auntie Beryl will be round every other day to make sure you're alright. Bye!
Roman Holliday - Don't Try To Stop It mp3
P.S. Don't forget to feed the fish.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Song Titles You'd Never Guess From Their Lyrics #3
The third in an admittedly extremely sporadic series.
How great is this, by the way?
The Delgados - Pull The Wires From The Wall mp3 (for 7 days)
From the album Peloton
How great is this, by the way?
The Delgados - Pull The Wires From The Wall mp3 (for 7 days)
From the album Peloton
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Three of a Kind #87

Out for a spot of leisurely weekend cycling this morning I saw two completely different people (as opposed to one completely different person) fall off their bikes in the space of a couple of minutes, on the other side of the road. Which isn't bad going considering I hadn't witnessed anyone come a cropper in such a fashion for absolutely donkey's years. Spooky, eh?
But yes, well done me for obviously having suddenly developed some sort of Damien-esque telekinetic ability to make bad things happen to people who are unfortunate enough to come into my line of vision, even when I'm not trying.
And maybe it's just the Antichrist in me, but I find there's something inherently hilarious about someone suddenly and unexpectedly toppling over sideways or forwards, as those hapless cyclists did (both of whom escaped serious injury and were helped back in the saddle by friends immediately afterwards, by the way). It's a bit like watching an old Charlie Chaplin or Harold Lloyd stunt, or something; comedy really is all in the timing.
Anyway, here are some songs to commemorate the whole coincidental, traumatised cyclists/blogger-as-possible-Antichrist incident!
Five Star - All Fall Down mp3
Roy Budd - Getting Nowhere In A Hurry mp3
Catatonia - Mulder & Scully mp3
Friday, 15 May 2009
My So-Called Early Life
A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), when the 1980s were in their infancy and I was barely out of mine, the 9-year-old me kept a diary. Written in an, erm, minimalistic style, I pretty much invented Twittering here, albeit three decades early. (note to self: sue Twitter at earliest opportunity for half-inching my idea!)
Here are some of the early entries, anyway. I hope you like them!
Friday 28th December
Watched Jack and the Beanstalk in funny version. Starred Gene Kelly
Monday 31st December
In the night ITV had some of the best programmes I've ever seen on ITV
Sunday 6th January
Had some more good proggrammes on television
Monday 7th January
Question Of Sport starts a new series. I got this diary

(The England Under-10 two-a-side football squad limber up for their next game. Left to right: Ernest Correspondent, Adrian Phillips)
Tuesday 8th January
Went back to school after Chistmas holiday. Saw Grange Hill new series. Arsenal 2 Cardiff 1.
Thursday 10th January
NOUT happened. I've got to play golf on Sat or Sun
Friday 11th January
Daley Thompson won the Superstars
Saturday 12th January
NOUT HAPPENED (AGAIN)
Monday 14th January
Got my pen nicked
Friday 18th January
Got football card album
Monday 24th January
Played footer for school B team. We won 3-1. I scored
Saturday 26th January
Got new pen. Arsenal 2 Brighton 0. Liverpool 2 Notts Forest 0 Dalglish, McDermott (pen)
Monday 28th January
Found my lost pen
Tuesday 29th January
No football training at school
Thursday 31st January
Didn't feel very well. 275 football cards.
Friday 1st February
Didn't go to school cause I didn't feel well. 287 cards.
Friday 8th February
Southend signed Keith Mercer from Watford. Fee £80,000
Sunday 10th February
went down club with Adrian
Tuesday 12th February
went to Angus's for tea. Millwall 1 Southend 2.
Thursday 14th February
St Valentines Day
Friday 15th February
Breaking up from school. Rochdale 0 Port Vale 2
Stayawake tuned for more exciting excerpts from the diary of an frank child at some point in the future (possibly)!
Yazoo - Nobody's Diary mp3
Here are some of the early entries, anyway. I hope you like them!
Friday 28th December
Watched Jack and the Beanstalk in funny version. Starred Gene Kelly
Monday 31st December
In the night ITV had some of the best programmes I've ever seen on ITV
Sunday 6th January
Had some more good proggrammes on television
Monday 7th January
Question Of Sport starts a new series. I got this diary
Tuesday 8th January
Went back to school after Chistmas holiday. Saw Grange Hill new series. Arsenal 2 Cardiff 1.
Thursday 10th January
NOUT happened. I've got to play golf on Sat or Sun
Friday 11th January
Daley Thompson won the Superstars
Saturday 12th January
NOUT HAPPENED (AGAIN)
Monday 14th January
Got my pen nicked
Friday 18th January
Got football card album
Monday 24th January
Played footer for school B team. We won 3-1. I scored
Saturday 26th January
Got new pen. Arsenal 2 Brighton 0. Liverpool 2 Notts Forest 0 Dalglish, McDermott (pen)
Monday 28th January
Found my lost pen
Tuesday 29th January
No football training at school
Thursday 31st January
Didn't feel very well. 275 football cards.
Friday 1st February
Didn't go to school cause I didn't feel well. 287 cards.
Friday 8th February
Southend signed Keith Mercer from Watford. Fee £80,000
Sunday 10th February
went down club with Adrian
Tuesday 12th February
went to Angus's for tea. Millwall 1 Southend 2.
Thursday 14th February
St Valentines Day
Friday 15th February
Breaking up from school. Rochdale 0 Port Vale 2
Stay
Yazoo - Nobody's Diary mp3
Monday, 11 May 2009
Three of a Kind #86
Today's Three of a Kind is inspired by hubristic Manchester United winger and unwitting bringer of mirth Cristiano Ronaldo for his spectaculary petulant reaction to being substituted while his team were strolling to yet another routine Premier League victory at the weekend.
Bemusement, anguish, rage, frustration, denial: he experiences the whole lot in a mere forty-seven-seconds during this clip. Really, is this the kind of behaviour anyone over the age of about seven should be indulging in?
Malcolm Middleton - A Moaning Shite mp3
Viola Wills - Gonna Get Along Without You Now mp3
Whistler - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself mp3
(Bananarama's Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Sulk by Billy Bragg, Kate Bush's Man With The Child In His Eyes and Bitch Went Nuts by Ben Folds all narrowly missed the cut.)
Bemusement, anguish, rage, frustration, denial: he experiences the whole lot in a mere forty-seven-seconds during this clip. Really, is this the kind of behaviour anyone over the age of about seven should be indulging in?
Malcolm Middleton - A Moaning Shite mp3
Viola Wills - Gonna Get Along Without You Now mp3
Whistler - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself mp3
(Bananarama's Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Sulk by Billy Bragg, Kate Bush's Man With The Child In His Eyes and Bitch Went Nuts by Ben Folds all narrowly missed the cut.)
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Wheat petite
I've always really loved Wheat's Don't I Hold You. Well, when I say "always" I don't actually mean for all time. For one thing it was only written a decade or so ago and for another I've not been around for all time. I'm not God for God's sake! Even if I had been around since the beginning of time the chances of the American indie rock band Wheat coming along and releasing this just as I was creating the universe would be slimmer than Posh Spice after an especially gruelling session at the colonic irrigation clinic.
Thought I'd best clarify all that, anyway, just in case anyone had any doubts. I'm not the Almighty, OK!?
But my point remains: it's a great song. And oh look! here it is in mp3 form, along with the cringetastic accompanying vid which features lots of exhibitionist numpties taking it in turns to play tonsil hockey on a big red sofa! Eurgh!
Wheat - Don't I Hold You mp3
Thought I'd best clarify all that, anyway, just in case anyone had any doubts. I'm not the Almighty, OK!?
But my point remains: it's a great song. And oh look! here it is in mp3 form, along with the cringetastic accompanying vid which features lots of exhibitionist numpties taking it in turns to play tonsil hockey on a big red sofa! Eurgh!
Wheat - Don't I Hold You mp3
Friday, 8 May 2009
Custard's Last Stand
From thisiskent.co.uk
Whitstable mum in custard shortage
Mum of three is dis-custard after a hunt for the dessert sauce in the town proved fruitless.
Keen baker Jules Serkin, 43, of West Cliff, Whitstable, needed a tin of custard powder to top off her apple and blackcurrant crumble.
But she was left with a sour taste in her mouth after getting no joy in either Co-ops at Oxford Street and Canterbury Road, and in Somerfield, in the High Street.
Even a trek to Tankerton's Tesco Express - a corner shop version of its superstores - was wasted.
"I try to support my local businesses, but in the end I had to resort to going to one of the big supermarkets to get what I needed," said Jules, a holiday rental company director.
"I feel very sad that I can't seem to get basic stuff from my high street, and am driven to go online. Custard is a staple product on my shopping list and I cannot understand why it should be so hard to find."
An assistant in Somerfield said they'd had other shoppers asking for tins of custard, but it hadn't been in stock since the shop was refurbished.
"And in the Co-ops I was just greeted with an empty shelf where it should be, and no idea when they might be getting it in. I am upset because it seems these shops cannot order a product that customers are demanding as it doesn't seem to fit in with what they are selling."
"I had to resort to buying sachets which cost only a few pence less than a tin, and don't go very far at all. If I buy a tin, it goes in my pantry and will last me quite a few crumbles."
"I'm making an apple and blackcurrant crumble and, as I am trying to eat healthily can control what I put into the custard, like skimmed milk. With the sachets, there are all sorts of ingredients and additives - and you just add water to make it."
"It's very convenient, but not as good as the real thing. Custard should be a lovely comfort, nice and thick."
Mrs Serkin finally managed to find a tin of own brand custard powder in a Co-op, a few days after her initial hunt, but not her beloved Bird's.
Spokesman for Somerfield Pete Williams said: "Somerfield in Whitstable High Street underwent a major investment last April to upgrade and improve the store for local customers. We pride ourselves on our customer service and ability to meet their needs."
"We are a bit perplexed about your reader's trouble in finding custard in the store. It offers a variety of custards including: tinned, fresh, cartons and in powdered form. Today (Monday March 23) it has both Somerfield own brand tinned custard and tinned custard made by Ambrosia."
"The store stocks Somerfield Instand Custard Mix - to which you simply add water. Regrettably the store does not have sufficient space to stock the larger tins of classic Bird's Custard Powder - to which you add milk and sugar to make your custard."
A Co-operative Group spokesman said: "We are sorry to hear a customer is unhappy with our custard range in Whitstable. Our smaller convenience store in Canterbury Road has only ever sold sachets of Bird's custard powder."
"The Oxford Street store did stock Bird's tinned custard until recently but the product was withdrawn following thorough analysis of product sales across our range. This store does however, sell The Co-operative's own brand of tinned custard powder and we would be pleased to offer this customer a free sample to try."
Jeff Christie - Yellow River mp3
Whitstable mum in custard shortage
Mum of three is dis-custard after a hunt for the dessert sauce in the town proved fruitless.
Keen baker Jules Serkin, 43, of West Cliff, Whitstable, needed a tin of custard powder to top off her apple and blackcurrant crumble.
But she was left with a sour taste in her mouth after getting no joy in either Co-ops at Oxford Street and Canterbury Road, and in Somerfield, in the High Street.
Even a trek to Tankerton's Tesco Express - a corner shop version of its superstores - was wasted.
"I try to support my local businesses, but in the end I had to resort to going to one of the big supermarkets to get what I needed," said Jules, a holiday rental company director.
"I feel very sad that I can't seem to get basic stuff from my high street, and am driven to go online. Custard is a staple product on my shopping list and I cannot understand why it should be so hard to find."
An assistant in Somerfield said they'd had other shoppers asking for tins of custard, but it hadn't been in stock since the shop was refurbished.
"And in the Co-ops I was just greeted with an empty shelf where it should be, and no idea when they might be getting it in. I am upset because it seems these shops cannot order a product that customers are demanding as it doesn't seem to fit in with what they are selling."
"I had to resort to buying sachets which cost only a few pence less than a tin, and don't go very far at all. If I buy a tin, it goes in my pantry and will last me quite a few crumbles."
"I'm making an apple and blackcurrant crumble and, as I am trying to eat healthily can control what I put into the custard, like skimmed milk. With the sachets, there are all sorts of ingredients and additives - and you just add water to make it."
"It's very convenient, but not as good as the real thing. Custard should be a lovely comfort, nice and thick."
Mrs Serkin finally managed to find a tin of own brand custard powder in a Co-op, a few days after her initial hunt, but not her beloved Bird's.
Spokesman for Somerfield Pete Williams said: "Somerfield in Whitstable High Street underwent a major investment last April to upgrade and improve the store for local customers. We pride ourselves on our customer service and ability to meet their needs."
"We are a bit perplexed about your reader's trouble in finding custard in the store. It offers a variety of custards including: tinned, fresh, cartons and in powdered form. Today (Monday March 23) it has both Somerfield own brand tinned custard and tinned custard made by Ambrosia."
"The store stocks Somerfield Instand Custard Mix - to which you simply add water. Regrettably the store does not have sufficient space to stock the larger tins of classic Bird's Custard Powder - to which you add milk and sugar to make your custard."
A Co-operative Group spokesman said: "We are sorry to hear a customer is unhappy with our custard range in Whitstable. Our smaller convenience store in Canterbury Road has only ever sold sachets of Bird's custard powder."
"The Oxford Street store did stock Bird's tinned custard until recently but the product was withdrawn following thorough analysis of product sales across our range. This store does however, sell The Co-operative's own brand of tinned custard powder and we would be pleased to offer this customer a free sample to try."
Jeff Christie - Yellow River mp3