Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Funny peculiar

There now follows a pair food-related jokes I made on Twitter this week, both of which, alas, died on their arse (as do most of my tweets). Vanity and a misplaced sense of pride dictates that I shall continue to repeat these gags until some bastard laughs at them.

*clears throat*

JOKE #1 [After Tiger Woods had had a hot dog thrown at him during a golf tournament at the weekend]

"I asked for a sand wedge, not a hot dog"


How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? He doesn't. The question's redundant.

Thanks, I'm here all week.

Chumbawamba - Add Me mp3


davyh said...

I honsetly don't get the second one.

davyh said...

Nor honestly neither.

adam said...

Looking at your twitter stuff, I should say that I passed the 'Are You Really English' test with flying colours and feel the rest of you shower should get out of my country.

Kippers said...

Davy, I was "cleverly" subverting the ancient joke about how Bob Marley liked his doughnuts i.e. wi' jam in (which admittedly is a great joke).

Not tempted to rejoin Twitter then adam?

adam said...

No. Or Facebook, or ... and so on. I don't know why blogging and commenting is (or feels) different but it does, and that aside I had a nasty experience and I think I'm done with social networks. I've lost touch with quite a lot of people from the deeper past which is a shame but as a rule I wasn't in touch with them for years and years without really noticing so I guess I can live with it.

davyh said...

Ah, I see. Thanks.

davyh said...

It's probably cos I'm not really English.

Kippers said...


Rol said...

They both made me laugh... but not as much as the Chumbawamba song. That was bloody hilarious.

Kippers said...

Cheers Rol. That song cracks me up too.

dickvandyke said...

Well, I likes em Kips. Just like the sort of shite/genius I come up with whilst worming the dog. Upon sharing them, the response I get from my perplexed 16year old is, "Dad. Why are you such a div?"

I too Adam have no connection with those things. (Innit Goodbye Blackberry Way this week anyhow?)

Is it me, or is 'FaceTube' (and sites like it) a vacuous world of eavesdropping and one-upmanship? I mean, why, oh why, would you want anyone to know that you are now .. “Married (To Tracy) with 2 kids, a lumbering great mortgage and a hamster with terminal alopecia”?

And why, pray tell, 20-30-40 years on, would you wish to be re-kindled with a ‘friend’ who boasts online (with photos) of his 13 foot dinghy, a Thai bride, and a timeshare in Playas de la Scunthorpe? I mean, you thought the bloke was a complete cunto at school/college/Uni, so why would you wish to know of his subsequent adult success in the revolutionary world of soft furnishings?

Or of Maxine’s … ‘Divorced twice, 5kids (left home). Now living with Trevor (as if you know him personally) and enjoy weekends at Dump Truck conventions in and around the Caerphilly area’.

Mildly curious? Christ no…

Grumpy Bastard

Kippers said...

Dicky for PM!

(I'm going to have that post stuffed)

dickvandyke said...

And as for that Tiger Woods ...

Well it won't be the first time that a long brown slippery sausage bewtween the buns has gotten him into trouble.

(Note use of the word gotten for our readers from the US). Do we have any readers from the US?

Kippers said...

*dons Motty-style sheepskin jacket*

Well, Des *chuckles inanely* if the visitor figures on our Statcounter page are anything to go by - yes! 8.6% of our visitors are from the US. They're in the bronze medal position behind Canada (13.4%) and the UK (59.2%).

Fascinating, no? Oh.

(And I woulda gotten away with it, etc...)

dickvandyke said...

No it IS interesting. Well, they're all more than welcome to this great big onion/melting pot/caravan of love thing. (You don't say how many actual people that equals though).

And what is it about the Canadians that attract them here? Is it an avant garde apple pie recipe they're seeking?

*Checks the teleprinter*
Noticably though, Motty, Berwick Rangers have now gone 16 games without a no-score draw. Remarkable.

Kippers said...

We use the free version of Statcounter which means they only give you stats for the past three days. As it stands we've had 47 hits from the US in those 72 hours. How many individual visitors that equates to, I don't know. It could just be the same gadgey coming back again & again for all I know!

I see there was almost an actual East Fife 5 Forfar 4 scoreline the other week. Motty may well have had some kind of episode had that come to pass.

dickvandyke said...

Hello - persistent single American gadgey. Still no pie.

This nonsense should finish you off mate..

That East Fife/Forfar result was probably the most exciting thing that's happened in Scottish fitba for 15 years.

Have you also noticed Kips, how Motty's right ear is now stuck out at a right-angle to his head? The left remains mighty fine. Perhaps it's a form of cauliflower ear due to 40yrs of headphone misuse?

Partly visible in this piccy..

Kippers said...

Blimey, that's eary- eerie.

I've noticed sometimes that old dogs end up with one ear pointing in one direction and the other in the, er, other. Obviously the same affliction affects old football commentators.

(I'll need to see a recent pic of Barry Davies before I can categrically establish this as scientific fact though.)

dickvandyke said...

Poor old Rooney eh. 3 games for lashing out at a Montenegran chap. Worrying about his poor ol dad, I reckon.

Bring back Crouchy - I say. 22 international goals in 42 appearances. Who else in the modern era has that kind of record for the 3 Lions? Tell me that.
And he's started only 19 games for England, but has won caps while playing for 4 different clubs - Southampton, Liverpool, Portsmouth and Tottenham. Why not Stoke!?

I miss his robotic dancing too.

Kippers said...

Eamonn to that. Hardly any prolific Premier League strikers can replicate that for on the international stage; ironically, while he's never been prolific at club level, Crouch has that je ne sais quoi that makes him one of that rare breed that thrive on the international stage. So what do we (or our nation's pundits and, more importantly, manager) do? Pretend he doesn't exist. Marvellous. I swear Emile Heskey would probably still garner a mention in most mainstream media outlets before Crouchigol. It's no wonder I couldn't give two fucks about the England team nowadays.

Kippers said...

^ there was a 'for' near the start of that rant that should have read 'form'.

adam said...

'Good touch for a big man'.

Rooney had a spectacularly poor world cup. If the ban is upheld he'll take a place in the squad and either come home without a chance to play or have to break into a winning team and there doesn't seem much point - better to take a kid and actually play him (the Walcott move as it should be done).

Kippers said...

I'm with you Adam. The only time the words "Rooney" and "World class" should be used in the same sentence for me they should be immediately followed by "wazzock". Very good Premier League player; consistently disappointing for England.