Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Sick as a bunch of preening, handsomely remunerated parrots

Did you catch the BBC pundits' reaction in the wake of Germany's drubbing of Brazil in the World Cup semi-final last night? It made for interesting listening...

Gary Lineker: (looking ashen-faced) "Well, truly shocking scenes here in Belo Horizonte as the hosts see their World Cup dreams shattered like so many shards of glass from a window broken by a bullet from a sniper's rifle in a country torn asunder by a brutal civil war. Truly, this is one the most chastening experiences of my life. Alan Hansen, how do you even begin to make sense of such abject carnage?"

Alan Hansen: (Shakes head mournfully) "I can't believe what I've just witnessed here. This really is an awful day for football. I'm speechless. Utterly speechless. Words can't even begin to describe how lost for words I am.

Lineker: "Alan Shearer, can you even begin to articulate your feelings?

Alan Shearer: "Shocking, Gary, shocking. Them players have let theirselves down badly here. It's the wives and families I feel sorry for. I mean, they had so much to live for but now, it's all just... so pointless."

Lineker: "Rio Ferdinand, this must be particularly poignant for you, given that your name's Rio and all. Just how devastated are you?

Rio Ferdinand: "Very devastated, Gary. We've come here to watch a game of football but I just feel like at the end of the day we've been robbed by one of them street thiefs. Except not a Brazilian street thief but a German one. Or a team of them. A ruthlessly efficient, well-oiled, pick-pocketing machine. Only with their pockets full of balls."

Lineker: "Yes, I suppose we should give the Germans some credit here. Just how ruthless were they, Alan?

(Hansen and Shearer start speaking over each other)

Lineker: "Alan Hansen."

Hansen: "Pace, movement, ability, movement, passing ability, terrible defending, attacking intent, pace, ability, movement. Sorry, what was the question?

Shearer: "The Germans were very ruthless, Gary. Ruthless, efficient, well-drilled, followed their orders to the letter. But this doesn't make it any easier for Brazil to swallow. They've been steamrollered with military precision by a highly organised force. I'm just gutted for them."

Ferdinand: "7-1. What a terrible advert for football. Gutted."

Lineker: "Well that's it from us on a night where the Germans put their foot on the Brazilian windpipe and simply refused to let go. This is such a sad occasion that I'm not even going to sign off with one of my scripted, half-arsed puns. Goodnight."

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