Thursday, 30 April 2009

Search Us VI

Former TV-Am cook Rustie Lee; swine flu; Terry Christian; gurkhas being allowed to settle in the UK; Gary Wilmot's Copy Cats; the video for Debbie Gibson's Only In My Dreams; Tory Shadow Cabinet member Andrew Lansley arriving an hour late for this week's recording of Question Time; Colleen Nolan's Discoburn DVD; the actor Finetime Fontayne; erstwhile Blackburn Rovers winger Stuart Ripley. These are just some of the things that we've never received a single search for on this blog (but probably will now).

Here, conversely, are some things that we most definitely have received searches for (along with my usual helpful responses). All in the past three months in fact!

how much of an apple pie is water? (98.4%)

pie cricket the game (it's got me stumped)

what does it mean when you pie too much (oh you can never pie too much)

apple pie interesting (Google search stupid)

catchy pie throwing contest phrases (Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a pastry-based projectile flinging competition)

is apple pie bad for you? (dunno)

apple pie is bad for you (hang on - yes! Yes it is!)

I had too much apple pie (oh you're for it now!)

what happened to geno washington? (he done a tour)

spike and mike I'm a banana (thanks for letting us know)

sold my body (don't you miss it?)

smiths offer toblerone newspaper (it's crazy but it might just work!)

when wincey willis died (I think you'll find it's actually spelt d-y-e-d)

dorby nordby age (what a time to be alive!)

nudes in posing pouches (aren't actually nude, dimbo)

ungracious barstards (it's a fair cop)

I got fresh kippers on sunday 2 days ago will they be OK (only if you left them on the radiator)

what happens to the apple pie in the apple pie factory? (bad things)

pie killing 1970s
death from apple pie (oh the humanity!)

words associated with classic apple pies (Hmm...let's have a think: classic, apple and pies)

apple pie,water (peach flan,milk)

too much apple pie what does it mean? (what doesn't it mean?)

new internet site that is sweeping the nation (really, you're far too kind)

how much are pies (12p)

bull terrier apple pie (no, what you've got there is a bull terrier pie. And a prosecution from the R.S.P.C.A.)

I want to buy the Try To Think Less EP (Good luck!)

due to contractual reasons we are unable to offer the interactive scorecard service for the west indies test series (not you as well!)

gail trimbles tits (I'll see your tits and raise you a gail trimble nude)

gail trimble wears glasses (indeed she does)

gail trimble dull (she speaks very highly of you)

corpus christi trimble download (we had a few days when 'Gail Trimble' was our most searched-for subject, after she almost single-handedly won University Challenge for her college - who were later disqualified on a technicality - and become an overnight celebrity. The above are just a small selection of the Trimble searches we received at the time. I don't think we've had so much as a single search for her since that week, though.)

looping and whooping dance

to put somebody on the sleigh

(I couldn't think of any smartarse rejoinders for those two but they made me laugh so they're in)

common people song pull young (you can get arrested for that you know)

bargain hunt demographic (housewives, the elderly, the infirm and the shiftless. I never miss it.)

think fast father ted record dj plays (this one)


Davy H said...

Undoubtedly my favourite TMAP feature. Is pie cricket cricket played with, erm, pies? So that when you thwack the pie, it splats over everyone? Imagine the hilarity!

Kippers said...

Ahh, cheers Davy! These entries are especially fun to put together as well, I must admit. As for pie cricket, I really haven't the foggiest! I should imagine someone from Five is putting together a bid to bring the event to television even as we speak though!

Davy H said...

Actually, let's pitch topless pie cricket to Red Hot TV.

Kippers said...

Ooh I dunno. Is the world of adult subscription-based TV really ready for the sight of topless pies cavorting about on a cricket pitch?

Davy H said...

Anything to earn an honest crust.

Kippers said...

Aye, I'm sure there'd be loads of work for all those super soaraway pastry stunnas!

I Am Not The Beatles said...


One of my most popular odd hits is 'How do I fuck my neighbours wife'

It brings loads of (obviously very disappointed visitors) on a daily basis.


Kippers said...

Wotcha Ian TB!

That reminds me of a search we had the other week: does fucking an apple pie fool good? (sic)

(only if the apple pie gives its fool consent)