Search Us VII

It's that time again. Just in case you're new to this blog, these Search Us posts are basically a semi-regular round-up of all - or at least some - of the more witless and/or entertaining Google searches that have found their way to this blog, together with some smartarse rejoinders from yours truly in brackets afterwards. It's one of our more popular features - which basically means that about three people like it. All clear? Righto. Eyes down, everyone!

Katie Derham smoking (Quick! Someone put her out!)

What happened to Pontinental? (It got sectioned under the Pontinental Health Act)

stop buying your albums (Allright, but only if you'll buy my albums for me)

Wincey Willis football fan (No, weatherman!)

Wincey Willis 1989 Bank Holiday (I wonder why they scrapped that one?)

Whitstable bird custard (This may well be the best euphemism I've ever heard for seagull shit, even though the searcher here would actually have been looking for this article.)

apple pie background info (it's a pie, it has apples in it, it's got a brother called pork, it has a pathological dislike of mangoes...)



Remember this Flying Pickets text (The one that went "OMG we r wel @#1 in da chartz wiv Only U even tho its 1983 and txtin aint bin invntd yet and wont b 4 abt anuva 15 yrs WTF?!? LOLZ")

dipping rude boys (That'll learn 'em!)

did apple pie come from sweden (The one with the Swedish accent did)

how did apple pie come to the u.s. (It chartered a plane at Stockholm)

eat too much apple (Or you'll what?)

Why don't you add water to apple pie? (I just don't feel like it right now. Now get off my back.)

Kippers laces sing together (As do the voices in my head)

nude woman pies herself (Well, you know what it's like when you're busting for a pie)

Where is Wincey Willis? (at home sulking about the loss of her Bank Holiday, I shouldn't wonder)

I don't like pie that much (thanks for sharing)



bugger me gently Lizzie Birdsworth (Are you trying to get her put away again?)

Katie Derham smokes (so I've heard)

have got a sing a song for to day (Nutjob!)

is wincey willis dead (No, but her public holiday's a goner)

Kippers Netherlands buy fish (What, now?! Can't I buy some at Morrison's instead? It's only round the corner)

tell me a little background on a singer named polly brown (ask me nicely and I'll think about it)

How much apple is too much in one day (a plethora)

kiss girl at bikerkissing (Umm...)

pie haiku (I really like pies / They're tasty and filling too / Although quite fatty)

Frente! - Somethin' Stupid mp3

Search Us VI

Former TV-Am cook Rustie Lee; swine flu; Terry Christian; gurkhas being allowed to settle in the UK; Gary Wilmot's Copy Cats; the video for Debbie Gibson's Only In My Dreams; Tory Shadow Cabinet member Andrew Lansley arriving an hour late for this week's recording of Question Time; Colleen Nolan's Discoburn DVD; the actor Finetime Fontayne; erstwhile Blackburn Rovers winger Stuart Ripley. These are just some of the things that we've never received a single search for on this blog (but probably will now).

Here, conversely, are some things that we most definitely have received searches for (along with my usual helpful responses). All in the past three months in fact!

how much of an apple pie is water? (98.4%)

pie cricket the game (it's got me stumped)

what does it mean when you pie too much (oh you can never pie too much)

apple pie interesting (Google search stupid)

catchy pie throwing contest phrases (Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a pastry-based projectile flinging competition)

is apple pie bad for you? (dunno)

apple pie is bad for you (hang on - yes! Yes it is!)

I had too much apple pie (oh you're for it now!)

what happened to geno washington? (he done a tour)

spike and mike I'm a banana (thanks for letting us know)

sold my body (don't you miss it?)

smiths offer toblerone newspaper (it's crazy but it might just work!)

when wincey willis died (I think you'll find it's actually spelt d-y-e-d)

dorby nordby age (what a time to be alive!)

nudes in posing pouches (aren't actually nude, dimbo)

ungracious barstards (it's a fair cop)

I got fresh kippers on sunday 2 days ago will they be OK (only if you left them on the radiator)

what happens to the apple pie in the apple pie factory? (bad things)

pie killing 1970s
death from apple pie (oh the humanity!)

words associated with classic apple pies (Hmm...let's have a think: classic, apple and pies)

apple pie,water (peach flan,milk)

too much apple pie what does it mean? (what doesn't it mean?)

new internet site that is sweeping the nation (really, you're far too kind)

how much are pies (12p)

bull terrier apple pie (no, what you've got there is a bull terrier pie. And a prosecution from the R.S.P.C.A.)

I want to buy the Try To Think Less EP (Good luck!)

due to contractual reasons we are unable to offer the interactive scorecard service for the west indies test series (not you as well!)

gail trimbles tits (I'll see your tits and raise you a gail trimble nude)

gail trimble wears glasses (indeed she does)

gail trimble dull (she speaks very highly of you)

corpus christi trimble download (we had a few days when 'Gail Trimble' was our most searched-for subject, after she almost single-handedly won University Challenge for her college - who were later disqualified on a technicality - and become an overnight celebrity. The above are just a small selection of the Trimble searches we received at the time. I don't think we've had so much as a single search for her since that week, though.)

looping and whooping dance

to put somebody on the sleigh

(I couldn't think of any smartarse rejoinders for those two but they made me laugh so they're in)

common people song pull young (you can get arrested for that you know)

bargain hunt demographic (housewives, the elderly, the infirm and the shiftless. I never miss it.)

think fast father ted record dj plays (this one)

Search Us V

It's nigh-on four months since we last had one of these, so I reckon it's high time for another round-up of unwittingly funny web searches that've ended up finding their way here (together with some of my helpful responses).

slogans for pie selling (What are we selling? Pies! When are we selling them? Now!)

can I get the song kinky boots by honor blackman on a compilation CD? (I don't know, can you?)

guess the song title (Er... How Much is That Doggie in the Window? Camouflage? Rivers Of Babylon? Just Say No?)

car accident on pie 25th jan (Oh dear. I hope no one was crust to death or anything)

party like it's fucking 1985 (alright! If I fucking must!)

george cole and dennis waterman recorded a song what are we gonna get for er indoors, where can I find this? (I dunno. Have you tried down the back of the settee?)

dreams snake swallowing an apple pie (Ahh, the old snake-swallowing-an-apple-pie dream. A common one, this. It means you're going to die. Soon)

there's no.... in place, there's no on your face (That's nice, dear)

is too much apple pie bad for you (Not at all. It's like crack in that respect)

where did apple pie come from? (The apple pie fairy)

my first earthquake (The must-have toy for 2009. Available from Hamleys and all good seismologists)

the wedding present too much cherry pie (*sigh* Did they learn nothing from the apple pie incident?)

rubbish boyfreind (True, true. But at least I can spell)

katie derham new hair october 2008 (Just the one?)

what part of the us does apple pie come from? (Let's not go there)

what does wincey willis and john kettley have in common (They iz both wel old innit)

wincey willis email address (whatyoutalkingaboutwincey@tv-ammail.co.uk)

how much does susie dent get paid (Not enough)

how much apple pies (Too much apple pies!)

manager of newcastle bill chumbawamba (Must've been Joe Kinnear's maiden name)

hot dogs, apple pie, chevrolet, maestro (Interesting. I would have said maestro, hot dogs, chevrolet, apple pie myself.)

heaven is a half pie song if I doggies work in whate (Wise words, mate)

i'm getting round (Well, if you will follow that All Doughnuts, All The Time diet...)

eating too much apple (makes your nipples fall off)

when will we get a cover for now that's what I call music 72 (Next Thursday week, just after lunch)

bumptious tosser (It's a fair cop)

linn githmark nude (Yeah, right, like you're ever going to find any nude stars here. Oh)

Garageland - Nude Star mp3

Search Us IV

Goodness me we've not had one of these for a while. But then comedy web searches ain't what they used to be. We still get the odd gem from time to time, mind. Here are my favourites from the past four months or so, since the last instalment (together with my usual smartarse rejoinders in brackets afterwards).

how do you know you can trust (...yourself to complete the sentence you were typing into Google before pressing 'submit'? You can't.)

pie to camera (pie to camera... are you receiving me, over?!)

how do you spell mezzoforte the jazz band who did garden party (Let's see... m-e-z-z-o-f-o-r-t-e-t-h-e-j-a-z-z-b-a-n-d-w-h-o-d-i-d-g-a-r-d-e-n-p-a-r-t-y. Sorted!)

show boyfriend my mum (is that some kind of euphemism?)

norwegian band's name, I remember the lead singer looked like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer (Harold Melvin & The Bluenotes?)



sing along with de acid house king (won't de other acid house kings be offended if you leave them out?)

is wincey willis dead? (still not dead)

wincey willis - tv cok (you're the cok, mate)

wincey king of rock (that's more like it)

did dave lee travis play abba when he resigned on air? (I think he was too busy playing the pompous arsehole)

I'm gonna go holiday (good for you)

i am gonna go to holiday (to visit your grammar, presumably?)

is she really billy joel (do you know, I think she is!)

gameshow nude women questions (AKA Father Jack's specialist subject on Mastermind)

handsome chap's bum (what about my bum?)

katie derham smoking on you tube (I hope she left a window open.)

katie derham address (Sure, it's: 12 News Mews, Kitty, Durham KT1 1TN)

what music does katie derham like? (why not write to her at the above address and ask?)

did you mean to search for irritating. (I dunno. You certainly found it, though, eh?)

nice puppies (you're too kind.)

nasty grannies (I think I'll stick with my nice puppies, if it's all the same to you.)

john kettley is a weatherman and so is michael fish half man half biscuit (Is he?! Who knew?)

(biscuit bits not pictured)
is nat and allie really going out (yeh thay wel iz.)

where does apple pie come from? (the oven, stupid!)

how to know if you can trust her (pick her up and see how far you can throw her. That should give you some sort of idea.)

eighties pop posing pouch (free tomorrow with the Daily Mail.)

More daft searches as and when we have enough for another entry! In the meantime, here's another solid gold classic from A Tribe of Toffs. Umm...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Four Skinny Indie Kids mp3 (for 7 days)

Search Us III

It seems I made something of a schoolboy error when putting together the previous Search Us entry, by reporting the five or six searches we'd had at the time from people looking for pictures of a certain Ashes To Ashes star with no clothes on. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake by repeating the offending search string here, but here's a clue: it wasn't any of the male members (chortle) of the cast these lustful Googlers were seeking out.

Anyway, subsequent to that particular post - in which I foolishly repeated the dread phrase i.e. "Marjorie Dawes lewd!" (or words that sound not unlike those) several times - our Statcounter page went pretty much insane with people (or more specifically blokes) feverishly searching for nuddy pics of old bolly knickers.

Now, with at least a dozen of these exact same searches coming in every day, this soon started to become a tad annoying for Spike and me. Sort of like a constantly dripping tap. Or a busload of people you didn't invite arriving at your party - only instead of bringing a bottle, these gatecrashers were brandishing something far less appetising in their hands. Bleurgh. But thankfully they've largely pissed off now, and we're down to about five a day. Bloody hell, though, what a pain in the arse!

As for the very few searches that weren't asking for pictures of ****** ***** sans kit, there now follows a quick round-up of some of the best ones.

Is that your wife (A new gameshow, coming soon to ITV1. Probably.)

Are you really going out with him? (Who, Joe Jackson? Yes. Yes I am.)


Hylda Baker nude (I kid you not!)

****** ***** knockers (I love this one. This is the type of search Sid James would be making if he was looking for clothes-avoiding pictures of a certain Ashes To Ashes star on the 'net. And if he wasn't dead, obviously.)

Wincey Willis this is your life (Actually I think you'll find it was Banderas who did that one.)

Headcases ITV rubbish
Headcases poor (Does anyone like this show?)

nude toffs (Again, this sounds like something the commissioning editor of ITV or Five might give the go-ahead to.)

Watch video Paul Jewell Derby porn (I'd rather not, if it's all the same to you.)

TV-AM weatherman with silly pullovers (How dare you! Wincey was all woman.)

silly noise website (Why, it's almost as if Google are trying to tell us something!)

stupid web searches (...we've had a few, but then again too few to mennnntion! Or not.)

And we'll finish, as ever, by stuffing our faces with comedy apple/pies:

too pie
apples much
pie face nude
how much is the apple pie?
nude women hit with pies
great britain's apple pie
apple pies facts with silly words
pie sold on internet
catchy pie phrases
misses apple pie
apple not pies
because of too much pie
I like pie even more than the last time I Googled this

I love that last one, as it appears that someone has deliberately gone out of their way to perform a daft search in a - successful, as it turns out - attempt to appear in one these posts. Now we shouldn't really be encouraging that sort of thing in a business as, erm, gravely serious as collating inane web searches for an obscure music blog, but fair play to you, whoever you are!

Change - Searching mp3 (available for 7 days)

Search Us II

Ahh, stupid web searches, where would we be without them? A couple of posts worse off on this blog, for a start. But that's by the by. I'm pleased to announce that the daft Googlers have been out in force once again following our previous round-up of misguided internet searches, and we can now proudly present the latest batch of hit-and-hope merchants who have, invariably forlornly, ended up chancing upon us here.

youtobe (No, mekippers. Yousemiliteratepranny.)

I'm nervous everytime I wake up (Are you sharing a cell with Peter Sutcliffe, by any chance?)

too much, pale, *porno (Proof that excessive masturbation plays havoc with your punctuation.)

somebody's got too (Not to mention your grammar.)

a silly dream (That's nice, dear.)

nude curling (Ooh no! You'd freeze your bits off.)

Norwegian women nude (Oh alright then, but only if they're curling.)

Nude curling us women ( Tcha! You women and your nude curling.)

Linn Githmark picture (OK, here she is. Now get off my back!)

martin newell mediafire or sendspace or zshare or megaupload or rapidshare or sharebee (or you could always just go out and buy the CD, Mr Stingy Pants.)

Keeley Hawes nude Ashes To Ashes
Keeley Hawes nude
Keeley Hawes nude
Keeley Hawes nude
Keeley Hawes nude
Keeley Hawes naked (Hang on, I'm sensing a theme here!)

Pergament nude ( And what, may I ask, is wrong with Keeley Hawes?)

Wincey Willis death (How many times must we keep going over this? Wincey is still very much alive and kicking. With these...

Wincey Willis legs (Go on, admit it, it was you who Googled this one, wasn't it?)

Abba risque outfits (Sadly we've long since deleted those pictures of Benny and Bjorn in posing pouches.)

Watch out boy man ideal (It's like they're trying to tell us something!)

Has anyone ever ordered from Hot Stuff in Sweden? (What, the successful, long-established mail order record store? I'm guessing they probably have, yes.)

shoo boy (No way! I was here first!)

shoo for you (Only if it's not too much trouble.)

She is the title of a song written by Charles Aznavour (I know she is. And will she ever let us forget it? No she will not!)

porn videos on Blogspot (Porn? On the internet? That'll be the day.)

And not forgetting the usual shedload of apple/pie-related madness:

how pie effects the music genres you like
songs with the word pie in it
what is pie?
spell apple pie
what's in your apple pie
catch phrase pie
the meaning of apple pie
the song called it's too late for apple pie
I don't like apple pies
pies sold a year
how much are pies
songs about apple pies
a song about apple pies
bye bye pie
apple pie c
what is in pies
david dear ms applepie
easy apple pie blog
much apple pie lyrics
song about a girl being called apple pie
Sam apple pie the band
Who wrote pie

So there you go. An extraordinarily high standard of barmy searches this month, I'm sure you'll agree. And, much like the titular characters in a game of Space Invaders, or Friends repeats on E4, they just keep coming. Stay tuned for another exciting instalment soon!

In the meantime, have a listen to the fantastic Help Me Roada by melodic New Yorkers LOOKER, who become the second band featured on here this week to favour the use of GRATUITOUS BLOCK CAPITALS. The scamps!

LOOKER - Help Me Roada mp3 (available for 7 days)

Buy LOOKER stuff here. (That link also features, rather handily, a full band biography.)

LOOKER's MySpace page

Search us...

One of the most enjoyable things about contributing to a blog like this has to be regularly checking the Too Much Apple Pie Statcounter account to see exactly what wild and wacky search criteria people have used to chance upon us. Here's a selection of some of our favourite searches from the past month or two (together with some of my own smart alec rejoinders in brackets immediately afterwards).

is Wincey Willis dead? (Not dead, merely resting.)

Weather toast Paul Merton (#these are a few of my favourite things!#)

i'm searching (of course you are.)

Linn Githmark nude (not here she's not. Now put that thing away.)

comedy Matthew Corbett I forget (What's that Sooty? You've got amnesia?)

Keeley Hawes Ashes To Ashes that red outfit (The Communists?!)

A Girl Called Eddy legs given rapidshare (I don't understand... Legs given rapid share in what, exactly?)

and I'm looking for someone who understands (Might I suggest you try the Samaritans?)

he wasn't there for me death (Bastard!)

she makes me go (She's a laxative?)

Linn Githmark nude (it seems nothing will dampen this naked Norwegian curling star-seeking Googler's ardour - matron!)

meatball song porn (At the risk of sounding like an an especially risque Abba tribute act here - porn again?)

download too much ass not (This week's runaway winner of the Most Nonsensical Search award. Makes me laugh every time I see it.)

find me the wicker man soundtrack on mp3 in a blog (Find it yourself, lazybones.)

ann jesus saves polyphonic (that's not what I've heard.)

Linn Githmark nude (oh for God's sake!)

Then of course there's the plethora of apple/pie related searches:

how much is an apple for a apple pie?
pie records broken
always always take the apple
I like pie to much
free living channell crane pies
how much pie is sold a year?
three girls one apple pie
meaning of apple pie in a dream
on the phone applepie talk too much
how do you spell apple in welsh?
apple clum pie

The first one, how much is an apple for a apple pie, is my favourite of those. Such incisive questioning is rarely heard outside the Newsnight studios these days!

The Mutton Birds - Come Around mp3