Monday, 14 November 2011

Search me

Long-term readers of this blog will remember a series we ran a few years ago entitled Search Us, in which I'd catalogue some of the more unlikley and outlandish internet searches that somehow ended up landing the unwitting Googler (other search engines are available, albeit no one uses any of them) here.

These searches ranged from the pornographic (Keeley Hawes nude) to the pornographic and disturbing (Watch Paul Jewell Derby porn); from the curious (Is Wincey Willis dead?) to the speculative (Norwegian band's name, I remember the lead singer looked like Ole Gunnar Solskjaer); from the ones that answered their own questions (How do you spell Mezzoforte the jazz band who did garden party?) to the ones who simply couldn't recall Chris Moyles's actual name (bumptious tosser).

There was more porn (Keeley Hawes naked), nonsense (manager of newcastle bill chumbawamba), plain speaking (I don't like pie that much), and a whole slew of enquiries about University Challenge know-all and reluctant overnight sensation Gail Trimble (gail trimbles tits / gail trimble wears glasses / gail trimble dull).

But the two subjects that generated by far the most search traffic (still do) were/are Keeley Hawes (Keeley Hawes knockers remains a personal favourite. Someone - possibly a 1970s sitcom actor - clearly thought outside the box a bit with that one) and, for want of a better word, smut. Oh, and some of the plethora of apple pie-related searches would make yer eyes water! (All I'll say is, there seem to be an alarming number of people with apple pie fixations out there.)

The Search Us posts came to an abrupt halt (or more truthfully, fizzled out) in the summer of 2009 due to a combination of a lack of new and original searches coming in to the blog and a tad of laziness on my part. But due to non-existent public demand, I'm aiming to revive the series - just as soon as I've got enough new material to work with!

With this in mind, and to hopefully induce some more preposterous Googling from the denizens of the interweb, I shall now post a stream-of-consciousness load of random old crap to hopefully hurry things along re the aforementioned aim.

Cesar Romero, Soda Stream, Wimpole, cassocks, Breville sandwich toaster, Doris Schwartz, Steve Heighway, Harry Secombe's Highway, Vince Hilaire, Umberto Eco's giant space hopper, Bella Emberg, Mike & Bernie Winters, Dame Una Nescafe, Rainbow, Black Type, Betamax, Don't you know there's a war on, I should cocoa, Pete Beale's finest fruit and veg cor blimey guv do they mean us they surely do Derek Jameson, ra-ra-ra-ra-Razzamatazz Lisa Stansfield started out on that you know, Mrs Miggins's Pie Shop, I ain't going on no plane fool, flippin' 'eck nutjob, why are you still reading this nonsense, Tucker's Luck, Metal Mickey, Rod Jane & Freddy GCE CSE GCSE TSB Midlank Bank Young Savers cheque book a free pen to every new customer they don't like it up 'em Captain Mainwaring didn't they do well of course I remember when it were all fields round here never mind the Trossachs here's some spectacles, Bradford Park Avenue, Chris Tavare, Gladstone Small, Eddie Hemmings I don't think I actually know any celebrities post the 1980s oh Diane Louise Jordan she's one, this should get the numbers up, maybe if I'd said someone famous and modern that might have helped as well, anyway move along now nothing to see here, hope you like the mp3, it's a good 'un.

Zapp - It Doesn't Really Matter (Extended Version) mp3


davyh said...

I have HAD it with these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane

Kippers said...

Sister Wendy Beckett?

davyh said...

It works! I have just, lord help me, Googled 'Gail Trimble tits Diane Louise Jordan' and got TMAP as the top search return. Feel strangely bouyed on your behalf.

davyh said...


Kippers said...


Of course, now I have the ethical dilemma as to whether or not I should include 'Gail Trimble tits Diane Louise Jordan' in the next Search Us post...


davyh said...

Oh no, you'd have to screen that out as a 'control'.

adam said...

"Bradford Park Avenue Tucker's Luck" and you're 4th on the list - because someone somewhere has posted a list of shooting locations for Tucker's Luck including Brent Park.

"Look Mr H - Tucker's got a motorbike". I think Tommy was something of a model for Rodney Trotter.

I've also discovered that there is a worryingly well put together Tucker's Luck website here.

Kippers said...

As sidekicks go, Tommy Watson was certainly no Benny Green or Alan "Fatso" Humphries.

I used to be a moderator on (the now defunct) Grange Hill forum, you know. No idea who it is that runs that Tucker's Luck website, but they certainly know their Jenkins onions.

dickvandyke said...

'Paul Jewell Derby porn' has got me very frightened indeed, soft lad.
Who is Keeley Hawes? Maybe I should look her up - but I aint that sad? Wincey Willis is now 62 and works on BBC Hereford & Worcester. (By the way, the site TV Cream is always a good read Kips).
Struggling through the double dip recession, Gail Trimble is currently a table clearer at Ely Burger King during the day, and lap dancer at 'Knockers Agogo' exotica erotica emporium in Cambridge at weekends. (She keeps her glasses on following a nasty incident with the pole on the dance floor. (That's the vertical metal pole, not a pope Pole, clown goalie or union leader called Lech).

Kippers said...

It's a salutary tale, for sure. By the way, I could swear Harry Redknapp put in an offer for a Knockers Agogo during the last transfer window.

Keeley Hawes is a photogenic actress who you may not have seen in such produictions as Ashes to Ashes and, umm, lots of costume dramas, probably.

dickvandyke said...

Indeed. Knockers Agogo is an up and coming 18 year old from Cameroon, currently playing in the Shalke 04 second XI. Still a bit 'leggy' he promises a good deal. His coach - Helmut von Chinstrappe rates him highly.

He has 2 brothers, you know... (Knickers and Knackers). Many are predicting they may take over from the Sodje (pronounced Sod Yer) dynasty.

Kippers said...

The boy done good.