More Notes From A Small Islander

Hang on to your hats, readers! It's time for the third and, mercifully, final instalment from my childhood diary.

Thursday 29th May

Played my first game of pool with Lee. Also played table tennis and bar football. Met several more friends.

Friday 30th May

Went into Sliema to stock up on shopping. Roamed the games room and met more friends.

Saturday 31st May

Met more friends in games room. Dad ordered a car for Monday and Tuesday

Sunday 1st June

Caught a nice tan sunbathing by swimming pool. resist the temptation of jumping in pool once or twice

Monday 2nd June

did touring around country in car. got back at about 3 in the afternoon

Tuesday 3rd June

finished tour round country. after continued playing pool in games room

Wednesday 4th June

Walked puff! all the way into puff! Sliema puff! Us and Lee went along to rocky sand beach for afternoon

Thursday 5th June

went home and got home at approxamently six pm

Friday 6th June

went back to school. Boo!

Thursday 12th June

had sportsday. got through to flat race final came 3rd out of 9 runners

Friday 13th June

nothing happened for a lot of days

Wednesday 2nd July

went after school swimming with andrew at runnymede

Saturday 5th July

comic day. did same as I did on wednesday except did it with adrian

Saturday 12th July

went to Adrians barberque. comic day

Monday 14th July

had day off school. unfortunatly it rained all day! HUH!

Friday 18th July

went swimming at school. went to school disco only for 3rd and 4th year kids

Saturday 19th July

comic day. From 11pm till 12.45am watched Clint Eastwood film hang em high

Sunday 20th July

caught up with my diary. had beautiful chicken for dinner

Saturday 26th July

Comic day. Had to look after laddie for 2 weeks

Monday 4th August

fell over my bikes handlebars

Sunday 10th August

Mum and dad took me and ad to canvey

Saturday 16th August

COMIC DAY. FOOTBALL SEOSON STARTS. BURY 1 SOUTHEND 2

Monday 18th August

SOUTHEND 5 PORT VALE 1

Tuesday 19th August

mum and nan had market stall and found Richard and played with him

Friday 22nd August

SAW SOUTHEND 2 TRANMERE 0. I saw it

Saturday 23rd August

comic day

Monday 25th August

Went to SOUTHEND SEAFRONT

Tuesday 26th August

Went to Richards while mum was in wickford

Wednesday 3rd September

mum and nan went to sell antiques so I stayed at richards

Thursday 4th September

went back to SCHOOL. YUCH!

Saturday 13th September

Hereford 0 Southend 0. went swimming. comic day

Wednesday 17th September

got chosen to be a PREFECT

Tuesday 23rd September

went football. scored 1 goal

Wednesday 24th September

went swimming

Thursday 25th September

not at school cause I caught a cold at swimming

Monday 29th September

Back to school

Tuesday 30th September

football but had to play left half

Friday 3rd October

football at school. saw Southend play. Score SOUTHEND 2 MANSFIELD 0

Saturday 4th October

COMIC DAY

Friday 24th October

broke up for half term from school

Tuesday 28th October

WENT WITH MUM AND NAN TO MARKET STALL, BUT WENT TO RICHARDS AT 9.45am

Thursday 30th October

WENT SHOPPING BUT WENT DOWN RICHARDS AGAIN

Friday 31st October

WROTE OUT A FOOTBALL QUIZ OF MY OWN

wednesday 5th November

WENT TO FIREWORKS UP NANS

Thursday 6th November

Beat LEE CO. AT CHESS

Friday 7th November

BEAT TIM AT CHESS. BEAT DAD AT CHESS

Monday 10th November

45 DAYS TO XMAS

Tuesday 11th November

44 DAYS TO XMAS

Wednesday 12th November

43 DAYS TO XMAS. BEAT ROB AT CHESS

Thursday 13th November

BEAT LEE CO. TWICE AT CHESS

Unfortunately/thankfully the entries dry up here as I was obviously far too busy beating allcomers at chess, counting down the days to Christmas and starting my own CAPS LOCK FARM to bother keeping up with the diary.

And that was that for me, diary wise, until I kept this Diaryland journal for a while four or five years ago. (Although that one was more just a case of me arsing about and acting the goat than anything else. I know, I know, hard to imagine now!)

The Wannadies - Kid mp3

Notes From A Small Islander

Hello all. How's tricks? Rather alarmingly, and after several attempts at starting this entry, I appear to have lost the art of composing a semi-coherent blog post in the week or so since I last wrote here. So, while I try and remember how the hell you're supposed to string a sentence together, please sit back and enjoy/endure another gripping extract from my childhood diary. Hurrah!


Tuesday 19th February

Up the park there was a bouncy castle. Arsenal 3 Bolton 0

Wednesday 20th February

A. Villa 1 Blackburn 0. I saw it on telly

Friday 22nd February

Colchester 2 Southend 1

Wednesday 27th February

Emlyn Hughes This Is Your Life.

Sunday 16th March

Went to the Ideal Home Exhibition

Sunday 30th March

Went up park for game of footer. I got it!

Tuesday 1st April

Did lots of April fools on people. Liverpool 1 Stoke 0

Wednesday 2nd April

Broke up from school for Easter holiday.

Friday 9th/Saturday 10th/Sunday 11th May

Didn't feel well

Monday 12th May

didn't feel well. Last in the series of Not The Nine O'Clock News

Tuesday 13th May

Moved into new house. Felt better

Thursday 15th May

Went to Ians disco

Thursday 22nd May

Went to Malta for two weeks. Had to get up at half two in the morning. Got at Gatwick at half 5, flight took 3 hours 20 minutes. Got at Malta airport at half 11. Got at hotal Galaxy at about ten past twelve. Later on went to swimming pool for a swim.

Friday 23rd May

At the hotel there were a lot of blocks a and b for Pontins people. We went in a block. The swimming pool was on G block 1st floor (one of globals block)

Saturday 24th May

In reception area there's pub called the cats whiskers and games room where you can play bar football table tennis or pool.

Sunday 25th May

Went swimming in pool. went for walk along seafront. had ice cream. enjoyed walking on rocks. after that went back and played bar football.

Monday 26th May

went into Sliema shopping centre for a morning and went there and back on a boneshaker bus

Tuesday 27th May

went on the roof of our block and sunbathed. not for long though!

Wednesday 28th May

Saw european cup final. Saw it in the room with an Italian man commentating. Met Lee from Liverpool.

Well that's more than enough holiday excitement for one entry I think. Find out what happened next, next!

The Byrds - My Back Pages mp3

Back soon...

Look after yourselves. There's some meals in the fridge, some emergency money in the drawer by the cooker and your auntie Beryl will be round every other day to make sure you're alright. Bye!

Roman Holliday - Don't Try To Stop It mp3

P.S. Don't forget to feed the fish.

Song Titles You'd Never Guess From Their Lyrics #3

The third in an admittedly extremely sporadic series.

How great is this, by the way?



The Delgados - Pull The Wires From The Wall mp3 (for 7 days)

From the album Peloton

Three of a Kind #87

Out for a spot of leisurely weekend cycling this morning I saw two completely different people (as opposed to one completely different person) fall off their bikes in the space of a couple of minutes, on the other side of the road. Which isn't bad going considering I hadn't witnessed anyone come a cropper in such a fashion for absolutely donkey's years. Spooky, eh?

But yes, well done me for obviously having suddenly developed some sort of Damien-esque telekinetic ability to make bad things happen to people who are unfortunate enough to come into my line of vision, even when I'm not trying.

And maybe it's just the Antichrist in me, but I find there's something inherently hilarious about someone suddenly and unexpectedly toppling over sideways or forwards, as those hapless cyclists did (both of whom escaped serious injury and were helped back in the saddle by friends immediately afterwards, by the way). It's a bit like watching an old Charlie Chaplin or Harold Lloyd stunt, or something; comedy really is all in the timing.

Anyway, here are some songs to commemorate the whole coincidental, traumatised cyclists/blogger-as-possible-Antichrist incident!

Five Star - All Fall Down mp3

Roy Budd - Getting Nowhere In A Hurry mp3

Catatonia - Mulder & Scully mp3

My So-Called Early Life

A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), when the 1980s were in their infancy and I was barely out of mine, the 9-year-old me kept a diary. Written in an, erm, minimalistic style, I pretty much invented Twittering here, albeit three decades early. (note to self: sue Twitter at earliest opportunity for half-inching my idea!)

Here are some of the early entries, anyway. I hope you like them!

Friday 28th December

Watched Jack and the Beanstalk in funny version. Starred Gene Kelly

Monday 31st December

In the night ITV had some of the best programmes I've ever seen on ITV

Sunday 6th January

Had some more good proggrammes on television

Monday 7th January

Question Of Sport starts a new series. I got this diary


(The England Under-10 two-a-side football squad limber up for their next game. Left to right: Ernest Correspondent, Adrian Phillips)

Tuesday 8th January

Went back to school after Chistmas holiday. Saw Grange Hill new series. Arsenal 2 Cardiff 1.

Thursday 10th January

NOUT happened. I've got to play golf on Sat or Sun

Friday 11th January

Daley Thompson won the Superstars

Saturday 12th January

NOUT HAPPENED (AGAIN)

Monday 14th January

Got my pen nicked

Friday 18th January

Got football card album

Monday 24th January

Played footer for school B team. We won 3-1. I scored

Saturday 26th January

Got new pen. Arsenal 2 Brighton 0. Liverpool 2 Notts Forest 0 Dalglish, McDermott (pen)

Monday 28th January

Found my lost pen

Tuesday 29th January

No football training at school

Thursday 31st January

Didn't feel very well. 275 football cards.

Friday 1st February

Didn't go to school cause I didn't feel well. 287 cards.

Friday 8th February

Southend signed Keith Mercer from Watford. Fee £80,000

Sunday 10th February

went down club with Adrian

Tuesday 12th February

went to Angus's for tea. Millwall 1 Southend 2.

Thursday 14th February

St Valentines Day

Friday 15th February

Breaking up from school. Rochdale 0 Port Vale 2

Stay awake tuned for more exciting excerpts from the diary of an frank child at some point in the future (possibly)!

Yazoo - Nobody's Diary mp3

Three of a Kind #86

Today's Three of a Kind is inspired by hubristic Manchester United winger and unwitting bringer of mirth Cristiano Ronaldo for his spectaculary petulant reaction to being substituted while his team were strolling to yet another routine Premier League victory at the weekend.

Bemusement, anguish, rage, frustration, denial: he experiences the whole lot in a mere forty-seven-seconds during this clip. Really, is this the kind of behaviour anyone over the age of about seven should be indulging in?



Malcolm Middleton - A Moaning Shite mp3

Viola Wills - Gonna Get Along Without You Now mp3

Whistler - I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself mp3

(Bananarama's Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, Sulk by Billy Bragg, Kate Bush's Man With The Child In His Eyes and Bitch Went Nuts by Ben Folds all narrowly missed the cut.)

Wheat petite

I've always really loved Wheat's Don't I Hold You. Well, when I say "always" I don't actually mean for all time. For one thing it was only written a decade or so ago and for another I've not been around for all time. I'm not God for God's sake! Even if I had been around since the beginning of time the chances of the American indie rock band Wheat coming along and releasing this just as I was creating the universe would be slimmer than Posh Spice after an especially gruelling session at the colonic irrigation clinic.

Thought I'd best clarify all that, anyway, just in case anyone had any doubts. I'm not the Almighty, OK!?

But my point remains: it's a great song. And oh look! here it is in mp3 form, along with the cringetastic accompanying vid which features lots of exhibitionist numpties taking it in turns to play tonsil hockey on a big red sofa! Eurgh!



Wheat - Don't I Hold You mp3

Custard's Last Stand

From thisiskent.co.uk

Whitstable mum in custard shortage

Mum of three is dis-custard after a hunt for the dessert sauce in the town proved fruitless.

Keen baker Jules Serkin, 43, of West Cliff, Whitstable, needed a tin of custard powder to top off her apple and blackcurrant crumble.

But she was left with a sour taste in her mouth after getting no joy in either Co-ops at Oxford Street and Canterbury Road, and in Somerfield, in the High Street.

Even a trek to Tankerton's Tesco Express - a corner shop version of its superstores - was wasted.

"I try to support my local businesses, but in the end I had to resort to going to one of the big supermarkets to get what I needed," said Jules, a holiday rental company director.

"I feel very sad that I can't seem to get basic stuff from my high street, and am driven to go online. Custard is a staple product on my shopping list and I cannot understand why it should be so hard to find."

An assistant in Somerfield said they'd had other shoppers asking for tins of custard, but it hadn't been in stock since the shop was refurbished.

"And in the Co-ops I was just greeted with an empty shelf where it should be, and no idea when they might be getting it in. I am upset because it seems these shops cannot order a product that customers are demanding as it doesn't seem to fit in with what they are selling."

"I had to resort to buying sachets which cost only a few pence less than a tin, and don't go very far at all. If I buy a tin, it goes in my pantry and will last me quite a few crumbles."

"I'm making an apple and blackcurrant crumble and, as I am trying to eat healthily can control what I put into the custard, like skimmed milk. With the sachets, there are all sorts of ingredients and additives - and you just add water to make it."

"It's very convenient, but not as good as the real thing. Custard should be a lovely comfort, nice and thick."

Mrs Serkin finally managed to find a tin of own brand custard powder in a Co-op, a few days after her initial hunt, but not her beloved Bird's.

Spokesman for Somerfield Pete Williams said: "Somerfield in Whitstable High Street underwent a major investment last April to upgrade and improve the store for local customers. We pride ourselves on our customer service and ability to meet their needs."

"We are a bit perplexed about your reader's trouble in finding custard in the store. It offers a variety of custards including: tinned, fresh, cartons and in powdered form. Today (Monday March 23) it has both Somerfield own brand tinned custard and tinned custard made by Ambrosia."

"The store stocks Somerfield Instand Custard Mix - to which you simply add water. Regrettably the store does not have sufficient space to stock the larger tins of classic Bird's Custard Powder - to which you add milk and sugar to make your custard."

A Co-operative Group spokesman said: "We are sorry to hear a customer is unhappy with our custard range in Whitstable. Our smaller convenience store in Canterbury Road has only ever sold sachets of Bird's custard powder."

"The Oxford Street store did stock Bird's tinned custard until recently but the product was withdrawn following thorough analysis of product sales across our range. This store does however, sell The Co-operative's own brand of tinned custard powder and we would be pleased to offer this customer a free sample to try."

Jeff Christie - Yellow River mp3

Search Us VI

Former TV-Am cook Rustie Lee; swine flu; Terry Christian; gurkhas being allowed to settle in the UK; Gary Wilmot's Copy Cats; the video for Debbie Gibson's Only In My Dreams; Tory Shadow Cabinet member Andrew Lansley arriving an hour late for this week's recording of Question Time; Colleen Nolan's Discoburn DVD; the actor Finetime Fontayne; erstwhile Blackburn Rovers winger Stuart Ripley. These are just some of the things that we've never received a single search for on this blog (but probably will now).

Here, conversely, are some things that we most definitely have received searches for (along with my usual helpful responses). All in the past three months in fact!

how much of an apple pie is water? (98.4%)

pie cricket the game (it's got me stumped)

what does it mean when you pie too much (oh you can never pie too much)

apple pie interesting (Google search stupid)

catchy pie throwing contest phrases (Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a pastry-based projectile flinging competition)

is apple pie bad for you? (dunno)

apple pie is bad for you (hang on - yes! Yes it is!)

I had too much apple pie (oh you're for it now!)

what happened to geno washington? (he done a tour)

spike and mike I'm a banana (thanks for letting us know)

sold my body (don't you miss it?)

smiths offer toblerone newspaper (it's crazy but it might just work!)

when wincey willis died (I think you'll find it's actually spelt d-y-e-d)

dorby nordby age (what a time to be alive!)

nudes in posing pouches (aren't actually nude, dimbo)

ungracious barstards (it's a fair cop)

I got fresh kippers on sunday 2 days ago will they be OK (only if you left them on the radiator)

what happens to the apple pie in the apple pie factory? (bad things)

pie killing 1970s
death from apple pie (oh the humanity!)

words associated with classic apple pies (Hmm...let's have a think: classic, apple and pies)

apple pie,water (peach flan,milk)

too much apple pie what does it mean? (what doesn't it mean?)

new internet site that is sweeping the nation (really, you're far too kind)

how much are pies (12p)

bull terrier apple pie (no, what you've got there is a bull terrier pie. And a prosecution from the R.S.P.C.A.)

I want to buy the Try To Think Less EP (Good luck!)

due to contractual reasons we are unable to offer the interactive scorecard service for the west indies test series (not you as well!)

gail trimbles tits (I'll see your tits and raise you a gail trimble nude)

gail trimble wears glasses (indeed she does)

gail trimble dull (she speaks very highly of you)

corpus christi trimble download (we had a few days when 'Gail Trimble' was our most searched-for subject, after she almost single-handedly won University Challenge for her college - who were later disqualified on a technicality - and become an overnight celebrity. The above are just a small selection of the Trimble searches we received at the time. I don't think we've had so much as a single search for her since that week, though.)

looping and whooping dance

to put somebody on the sleigh

(I couldn't think of any smartarse rejoinders for those two but they made me laugh so they're in)

common people song pull young (you can get arrested for that you know)

bargain hunt demographic (housewives, the elderly, the infirm and the shiftless. I never miss it.)

think fast father ted record dj plays (this one)

Three of a Kind #85

Hands up everyone who remembers Astrid (the band, rather than the solo singer Williamson)? They were dead good, anyway - a sort of turn-of-the-millennium, similarly Scottish, junior version of Teenage Fanclub. Singer Willie Campbell went on to perform with the Reindeer Section and The Just Joans; Gareth Russell now plays bass with Idlewild; while drummer Neil Payne is currently in Texas (the radio-friendly pop-rock band rather than the vast U.S. state).

Astrid released three studio albums but, true to form, I lost track of them after the first, 1999's Strange Weather Lately. It was produced by Edwyn Collins and is, well, really rather good. Here're a few tracks to illustrate the point!

Astrid - High In The Morning mp3

Astrid - Redground mp3

Astrid - Boy Or Girl mp3

Mildly Interesting Pop Fact: Redground reached #167 in the UK charts, while High In The Morning hit the dizzy heights of #156, proving (as if any proof were needed) that eventual chart position and quality of song go together like a fish and earmuffs.

Blimey, is that the time already?

Hello, campers. Been busy tarting up my new house this week so not really had the time or the inclination (or the internet connection now I think about it) to do any blogging. And for some reason I can't get this song out of my head at the mo.

The Freshies - House Beautiful mp3 (right click - here we go again, Davy!)

Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, here's my favourite Kate Rusby song, Our Town, which I've never got round to putting up here before but which is absolutely gorgeous. If you ever get the chance to see Kate and her band in concert you really should as her songs sound even better in a live context. Her between-song banter is great, also. You'll hear all about the antics of her Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Doris, for example. And I know you wouldn't want to miss that.

I dunno - talented, good-looking and a natural raconteur. Make you sick, some people!

Kate Rusby - Our Town mp3 (left click)

Mildly Interesting Folkie Fact: Our Town was written and originally recorded by brilliantly-named American singer-songwriter Iris Dement. Here's a clip of her performing it with the less-brilliantly-named-but-not-bad-nevertheless Emmylou Harris.

Buy Kate Rusby stuff

The Sweptaways & Jens Lekman - Happiness Will Be My Revenge

The Sweptaways Show is out now! Download it here for a piffling £8.00. Or, if you're a bit strapped for cash, you can always download Happiness Will Be My Revenge on its own for 80p. Really, though, I'd get the whole album if I were you. It is bloomin' ace.

Three of a Kind #84

I got a great compilation CD-R from that Spike the other week. It features oodles of great tunes I'd not heard before - of which here are but three!

Elizabeth Darling (of The Darlings/Allo, Darlin' fame) is a bit miffed - and with good reason. Her ex has been hassling her by email, Facebook and MySpace, and he just won't take no for an answer. Even when she blocks him he still finds ways of reaching her. What a pain in the arse. And besides, he caused his own downfall in the first place by chasing after other girls behind her back; and he only wants to know her now because she's making a name for herself as a singer. Must have got a hell of a shock when he heard this!

Elizabeth Darling - Oh No! Another Email From You! mp3 (right click)

Juni Järvi wasn't someone I'd come across before but I was instantly taken with the Jens Lekman-esque pop stylings of Looking At You Is Like Looking At The Sun. Hmm... does that mean he has to wear dark glasses every time he squints wistfully into his loved one's mince pies, I wonder? My god, did we learn nothing from Peters & Lee?!

Juni Järvi - Looking At You Is Like Looking At The Sun mp3* (left click)

(*this song originally featured on the Eardrums compilation A Good Crop)

To round things off, here's erstwhile Veruca Salt vocalist Nina Gordon with a lovely, mellow acoustic cover of, umm, Straight Outta Compton by NWA! Makes me laugh.

Nina Gordon - Straight Outta Compton mp3 (left click)

Allo, Darlin's website / junijarvi.com

Long Time No See See Rider

It's amazing what you can find on the internet sometimes. Having just ripped a brilliant if largely forgotten 1991 indie single, Stolen Heart by See See Rider, from vinyl in preparation for a blog entry (this one, surprisingly), I did a quick Google search to see if there were 'owt to be found about the band on the net - and what do you know, there's a website right here that's more comprehensive than a box set of Grange Hill!

That site was dead handy for background information, anyway, because about the only fact I could remember off the top of my head about See See Rider was that Phil King from Lush was their bassist. But here I learnt, among other things, that the band's originators hailed from East Kilbride; that Stolen Heart was one of only two singles they ever released; and that the plug was pulled on their unfinished album Dust Rocks and Flakes when their label, Lazy Records (also the former home of The Primitives and My Bloody Valentine), went belly up.

Thankfully, though, the bad news ends there as, rather thrillingly, the site has every track See See Rider ever recorded - unreleased demos of the album and all - available for free download! How exciting is that?!

Here's that 7" track that inspired this entry in the first place, anyway. Not only is Stolen Heart dead good, it's also produced by one of my favourite producers from days of yore: Zeus B. Held. (He had to put the 'B' in there so no one confused him with Zeus A. Held or Zeus Y. Held. Just thank your lucky stars you haven't got such a common name. Unless you have - in which case, erm, curse your unlucky stars.)

See See Rider - Stolen Heart mp3

Get yourself over to seeseerider.co.uk for much more of the same.

See You, See Me

Daryll-Ann - Blind mp3

Mildly Interesting Pop Fact: Daryll-Ann took their name from Andy Renko's wife in Hill Street Blues. The Hill St homages didn't end there, though: the above track is from their first album, which they called... Renko! (Quite right, too. HSB was always my favourite cop show as well, and Renko a brilliant character.)